dec 18th

Helo,

Dec 17th was a bad day, there is many things i did that was wrong and i do hate myself for making the mess in my life ....

Met my partner at 7pm and it was not a good experience, i made my partner angry after saying something that was not plesant... i always thought my partner was a very nice and caring person that will "hong" me when i am angry ... but nevertheless, the mess i made has made my partner more irritated....

What had become of me? i really do not know already... is life just like this?

There are ups and downs , but who can really understand what i am thinking ... will the most worried thing in my mind come true ? i always apologise for the mess and my partner decides to leave me alone... although i tried my best to recitfy the mess, but i think there is a still a needle in my partner... how can ever resolve this ... if i relax, what is love then??

My partner told me, the ex was trying to love less, as the ex knows my partner following year will have a new partner, but my partner feels something was wrong..... why must my partner makes me feel something is wrong too lei?

Today, 18th dec, i was hm, as my partner wants to stay at home and do work.... i tried to be understanding and i stayed at home ..... i was worried, but i kept quiet ..... when i msg my partner, my partner was back in office without informing me.... my partner told me, went to take things in office, but is picking up the call difficult?

its a matter of half hour and already in gym ... it took half hour to send location to me .... how is the period while walking from office to gym? nv check hp? haiz... am i thinking too much ? or have anything happened.... should i just ignore it?

i really got no more power.... really ... does my partner really loves me ? there is not assurance anymore and i felt i am losing the drive to love.....

I do not want to let go so easily, but thinking whether should i really just drop everything and forget ..... i got a urge to find just someone to replace but eveything when i think of that, i feel it is not a good idea, because i still have my partner in my heart .... i always want to keep my promise and ensuring that my partner recognise my effort.....

I will continue to keep my promise till the last .... i am not sure what will happen next.... but the action my partner makes, it really making me upset but yet i cannot say anything becoz i do not want to make my partner angry .......

When will my partner makes me feel honoured and important than? how long should i wait for the good news?

i will wait ... because DD loves BB....

Alex

12th Dec 2010

Hello,

Its my blogging time ...
Always when i start blogging, there is always something to say and feeling something...
I should blog about happiness, but i always blog of unhappiness....
Happiness is easy to share, but unhappiness who is there to share with me? I cant say much as it will affect others and i do not want my problem to affect other, especially my partner....

On the 8th dec, a new beginning starts again ... this is the 4th beginning and it just a few days old... but starting to have some issues... i always ask myself and thru all the new beginnings, i began to think whats is wrong with me!!

Why am i always not giving trust to my partner?? why am i always the one creating the trouble?
I always wanted a true partnership but the past have affected me and how much can my partner understand?

I just need confidence and assurance, am i asking for too much? especially in my type of life, it is always having temptation... how i can really trust when my partner doesnt give me much assurance? Many people uses their insecure and do something behind their partners back to fulfill their insecurity .... but i just dun like this idea as being truthful and faithful is a key point to show my sincerity to my partner....

I always like to drama .... and become my partner to feel unhappy and irritated ... but i am just what i am ... cant my partner support me and give me what i need?

It has been 2 days, the sourness in my heart, who can really feel it ... i always act as if nothing has happen and always blame myself on anything ... i just dun have the courage or personality to scold or ignore my partner, giving cold war will it really helps...??

Isnt scarificing for my partner, will allow more opportunity for grow?? in office, whenever i am not wrong, i will nv ever admit its my fault .... inlcuding friends.... i can ignore my friends, or treat my friends as enemy but when it comes to my partner, why cant i have the heart to do it /?

When will i learn to be harsh? why cant my partner appreciate what i am doing? instead of just feeling irritated and pressured.? for all my partners, i always have that feelings.... none have give me those deep assurance and confidence..... lol

What i need is faithful, confidence, making an effort and confidence .... simple? i know saying is simple, doing its difficult ... but i can why cant they?

My facebook always put, expect the unexpected ... but must i wait for things to happen before reaction? i dun like dragging on issue, when there is a problem, i resolve it asap... time wasting is not me..... cold war, does it help to solve issues? i only believe calm communications, helps to resolve problems and make problem a stronger u and me ....

i really dunno what my partner is thinking right now .. i am always optimistic ... but to partnership, i am always pessimistic ... am i here at the right time ?? should i just disappear?
Am i suitable for my partner? many burning questions... but who can answer it....

I do not want to say much, except writing blog, so that i do not hurt or stress my partner ... and i can get it off my mind ... learning to be a better person is not easy... it takes two hands to clap ... will u be the one clapping my hand and walking together hand in hand?? i dunno .... the more i say things, always i am the one end up sad ....

i want to cry , but who will be there to lend a shoulder for me ?? i want only my partner to be the shoulder i lean on ... but will it be? will you??

i am really hoping time will heal the pain ... and be happy ... communications is important ....

I will be strong and deal with things calmly ... hope u will too .....

I love you BB

DD....