New year day

Hello...

Its 2011 and its time again for blogging ....

I do have some mixed feeling over the year 2010 and year 2011....

Its a new beginning and i should out aside most of the unhappiness and lead a happy life ....
What is my resolution for 2011 then??

I also not sure, many things i want... but the more i expect the worst i get ....

New year day, i stayed at my partner place, as my partner was not feeling well and needs more rest .... i bought food and drinks ... to ensure my partner does not go on hunger and accompanied till late night ...... it was a good time out ...though watching tv and eat only... its does not matter to me as long as with my partner ....

Took a nap in the afternoon and had 4 bad dreams of my partner ..... i dreamt that my partner does not care about me and left me for others ..... the dreams was consecutive .... its a like a story but happened 4 times, different scenes.

In my dream, i was eating alone as i have found that my partner does not love me anymore.. i sat witha grp of people whom i doesnt know and was eating their food ... instead of ordering mine own ... i was dazing ard and they all looked at me, and i said i will be paying for the food i ate.....
The next scene was that my partner hooked up with my friends and ignore me totally even i was beside...... my partner play with them, even when i am not ard, my partner nv notice at all .... the rest of the scenes, i cant remember already ....

The dreams made me woke up, being afraid that it might happen in this way ... i had been thinking too much .... becoz i cant feel the love yet from my partner ... is it one sided ? i dunno .... has my partner forgotten about the past totally ... it seems not ... i know it is always difficult ... but i felt bad that i got no power in my partner life to make my partner forget about the ex.....
I had tried all my best ... with i end up with misery and no energy to continue? i dunno too....

Many things, my partner had done with ex, and very sentimental and emotional sometimes.... i felt upset but what can i say.... at least i know it ....

I will continue to accompany my partner till the best i could ... staying true and faithful is my goal... but i am also afraid if one day i still cannot feel my partner's love, i might go astray .....
so i am hoping for the best ....

My partner is the one i want to accompany for the rest of my life , will it be the one?

I really hope it will ... i dun want to be hurt again... i am tired and no energy .....

I wish myself all the best and good luck ....

Regards
Alex

dec 18th

Helo,

Dec 17th was a bad day, there is many things i did that was wrong and i do hate myself for making the mess in my life ....

Met my partner at 7pm and it was not a good experience, i made my partner angry after saying something that was not plesant... i always thought my partner was a very nice and caring person that will "hong" me when i am angry ... but nevertheless, the mess i made has made my partner more irritated....

What had become of me? i really do not know already... is life just like this?

There are ups and downs , but who can really understand what i am thinking ... will the most worried thing in my mind come true ? i always apologise for the mess and my partner decides to leave me alone... although i tried my best to recitfy the mess, but i think there is a still a needle in my partner... how can ever resolve this ... if i relax, what is love then??

My partner told me, the ex was trying to love less, as the ex knows my partner following year will have a new partner, but my partner feels something was wrong..... why must my partner makes me feel something is wrong too lei?

Today, 18th dec, i was hm, as my partner wants to stay at home and do work.... i tried to be understanding and i stayed at home ..... i was worried, but i kept quiet ..... when i msg my partner, my partner was back in office without informing me.... my partner told me, went to take things in office, but is picking up the call difficult?

its a matter of half hour and already in gym ... it took half hour to send location to me .... how is the period while walking from office to gym? nv check hp? haiz... am i thinking too much ? or have anything happened.... should i just ignore it?

i really got no more power.... really ... does my partner really loves me ? there is not assurance anymore and i felt i am losing the drive to love.....

I do not want to let go so easily, but thinking whether should i really just drop everything and forget ..... i got a urge to find just someone to replace but eveything when i think of that, i feel it is not a good idea, because i still have my partner in my heart .... i always want to keep my promise and ensuring that my partner recognise my effort.....

I will continue to keep my promise till the last .... i am not sure what will happen next.... but the action my partner makes, it really making me upset but yet i cannot say anything becoz i do not want to make my partner angry .......

When will my partner makes me feel honoured and important than? how long should i wait for the good news?

i will wait ... because DD loves BB....

Alex

12th Dec 2010

Hello,

Its my blogging time ...
Always when i start blogging, there is always something to say and feeling something...
I should blog about happiness, but i always blog of unhappiness....
Happiness is easy to share, but unhappiness who is there to share with me? I cant say much as it will affect others and i do not want my problem to affect other, especially my partner....

On the 8th dec, a new beginning starts again ... this is the 4th beginning and it just a few days old... but starting to have some issues... i always ask myself and thru all the new beginnings, i began to think whats is wrong with me!!

Why am i always not giving trust to my partner?? why am i always the one creating the trouble?
I always wanted a true partnership but the past have affected me and how much can my partner understand?

I just need confidence and assurance, am i asking for too much? especially in my type of life, it is always having temptation... how i can really trust when my partner doesnt give me much assurance? Many people uses their insecure and do something behind their partners back to fulfill their insecurity .... but i just dun like this idea as being truthful and faithful is a key point to show my sincerity to my partner....

I always like to drama .... and become my partner to feel unhappy and irritated ... but i am just what i am ... cant my partner support me and give me what i need?

It has been 2 days, the sourness in my heart, who can really feel it ... i always act as if nothing has happen and always blame myself on anything ... i just dun have the courage or personality to scold or ignore my partner, giving cold war will it really helps...??

Isnt scarificing for my partner, will allow more opportunity for grow?? in office, whenever i am not wrong, i will nv ever admit its my fault .... inlcuding friends.... i can ignore my friends, or treat my friends as enemy but when it comes to my partner, why cant i have the heart to do it /?

When will i learn to be harsh? why cant my partner appreciate what i am doing? instead of just feeling irritated and pressured.? for all my partners, i always have that feelings.... none have give me those deep assurance and confidence..... lol

What i need is faithful, confidence, making an effort and confidence .... simple? i know saying is simple, doing its difficult ... but i can why cant they?

My facebook always put, expect the unexpected ... but must i wait for things to happen before reaction? i dun like dragging on issue, when there is a problem, i resolve it asap... time wasting is not me..... cold war, does it help to solve issues? i only believe calm communications, helps to resolve problems and make problem a stronger u and me ....

i really dunno what my partner is thinking right now .. i am always optimistic ... but to partnership, i am always pessimistic ... am i here at the right time ?? should i just disappear?
Am i suitable for my partner? many burning questions... but who can answer it....

I do not want to say much, except writing blog, so that i do not hurt or stress my partner ... and i can get it off my mind ... learning to be a better person is not easy... it takes two hands to clap ... will u be the one clapping my hand and walking together hand in hand?? i dunno .... the more i say things, always i am the one end up sad ....

i want to cry , but who will be there to lend a shoulder for me ?? i want only my partner to be the shoulder i lean on ... but will it be? will you??

i am really hoping time will heal the pain ... and be happy ... communications is important ....

I will be strong and deal with things calmly ... hope u will too .....

I love you BB

DD....

2nd post of the month

Good morning everyone who is seeing my post.

Today was a raining day for me, not physically having showers but than just that the day was not so well....

Last night happened to find out something that i should not even see but again my institution tells me something. so i stayed back and do a minor checking to confirm my understanding.

I really hope everything went well but it seems it does not follow the way i wanted it to be ... its just minutes before i leave that i saw with my own eyes....

Again what you saw is it really what it means .... when the person explains should we be listening ? believing ? trusting? or what ??

I asked myself the whole night and i never had any answer.... the person was not explaining as i do understand as well. it is difficult to explain at the situation.. so what can i do?? i really hope there is an angel that can tell me what to do ... haha ...

Thank you my badminton group member that woke up at 545 to replied my message.... a friend that give me advice... : love yourself more than others" was it really true? hahhaaa i also dunno ....

I have never ever love myself more than others .. i give whatever i could and lie to myself however i can. i duno why.... i prefer to give everything and nothing left for myself.....

I do not think it is unfair to myself as long as i gave the right person.....

I always tell myself since the choice is made, I have to follow .... no matter it is the right choice or not, it depends on the will power and i always believe god is fair to me , he will provide me with good luck and love...

what was my choice then you may be wondering.... : I have decided to live with it and accept the fact and trust upon the person i have feelings for .... its to gradually let things slower down and fade away ... life is like this , many ups and downs ... if we need to bother about everything , i really do not know whether i have the energy to continue ..... i really hope the person understands how i felt and improve in the future ....

.

I have never expected much in life ... humble relationship, work, funds .... i am contented ..... this is all person who will wants to have , i have been through more miserable life than this ... i never learnt to trust and i nv learn to get angry with my partners.... i just cannot ....

I always rather suffer myself than to make my partner unhappy .... thats me ... a humble guy ...

So i just want to say ... i nv blame you ... neither am i angry with you .....

I hope to spend the rest of my time with you ....

lets walk hand in hand ..... together ....

Will you ?

Sad boi ...

A new beginning

Hellow myself ....

Its finally time for me to blog again .... after so long time .....

On 30th Oct 2010 starts the time of my new beginning.

I took a big step for the new beginning and as i was vunerable to many issues in my life.
Many obstacle surrounded me but i managed to get it out and settled it....

The step taken is something that i have never ever done before and i prob will nv do that again ....

How fate brings us together and we should treasure and accept each other short coming.
I mean everyone have their good and bad .... but as long as they is honesty and faithfulness in a relationship, why should we care about other issues....

But how much can i really do or how much can the person do for me, i really dunno ......

It is confusing actually to understand the thinking of others.... i really dun have the confidence after being cheated for many times.... but i am being fair to my new beginning? i know i am not .... but how can i trust when i was always the stupid one??

All i need is confidence and assurance ... but how many people will do it for me?? i really unsure.
I am not a good person nor handsome guy who can be confident....

I am just good in being concern and worried .... but who know i actually just care a lot ??
was i wrong? i know i am irritating and boring and not good.... but i just dun wish anything to happen between us .......

No matter what i know or question, i am nv angry at all... i am a guy who dunno how to be angry .... i just too kind and will give in whatever i can ....

I cant give less.... instead i use my might and give the best to my love one............

Are you able to accept me for what i am??

I rally dunno ... this world there is too many better ones out there .... who can be sure that their partner will be true ?? i know what i want and need.... i am only good at being true to my partner....

I know what you have promise me... but i just dunno when there is so many people surrounding you ......

I am just scared ........

What can i be .... and how should i be ....

Haiz... but i just want to say.... I love you.....
Nothing can change my love for you unless you decide not to love......

Thats all for today.....

Love Alec

bad day again

after so many things happen .. thought that life will be as simple as possible ....
but still not very so ...
Is trusting a person so difficult? Will a sms affect everything in life.....
I am just a simple guy who is not someone that you think i am ....

why make this so complicated ... i just wish for the best ....

I am happy in my life .. being of who i am .. and what i am ...
and of course having u ard ....

Trust ...
AJ

Ending or ended ....

life is so unpredictable ....
its had been more than a year since i blog and write down my feelings.....
everytime i think back ,....
it had been sad........... when i learnt to out down many of my bad ...... i still cannot get what i wanted ....
it had been more than a year .... but dunno why it is still not stablised .... why must people think i am such a shallow person ....
it is rather sad for things i have done .... but i did not regret any of it ... giving is what i can but may not be all , but my heart is still the same as ever.... but y just cant people see it .? am i really just bad or am i just to naive ...
i still cannot put down many things ... i lost many things but i have not regretted at all for the person important to me ....
why cant someone hear the explaination and accept the fact of me .... it may be some wrong idea i protrait, but still sorry for the everything .... i must apologise that it hurts .....
today it hit the 15th month and i being such lonely blogging ...
seeing the movie one litre of tears ... it just make me drop my tears .... it is really sad and the girl embrace herself to accept her diseases ..... making me more feeling that i am luckier than many of the people ....
yup it thought me a lot of things ... they will still be people beside u and support u all the way ....
i dun mind people misunderstand me .. as long i myself know that i will nv do anything bad to hurt others ,...
anyway .... good to blog again ....
life goes on as my initial blogging ......
no matter how i can accept .. as long u are happy .. i will be happy for u ...
i can suffer ... but i cant make u sufffer anymore ....
sorry for everything .....
but one thing for sure is that i will wait for the day ............
take care ....